OK. So I want to blog, but when ever I sit in front of the screen, my mind goes blank. Blank screen equals blank mind. Yuk. I’ve committed to blog every day for 30 days, but I sit here with a blank slate (notice all the “blanks” in these first few sentences?) Part of the problem–probably a huge part– is that I want to write something profound, something of note, every time I write. EVERY time. Besides that, I want to keep my “goody two shoes” reputation. To maintain that reputation, however, every thought must be edited, so thoughts stop. Cold. Dead in their tracks. Yes, I used the word “dead,” as in dead as a door nail. Kaput. Gone. Not a thought to be found knocking around in my noggin.
This is the bane of every “goody two shoes” writer, which I am. I’ve never been one to really kick up my heals, throw caution to the wind, and just write and live and laugh uproariously. Not my style. I’ve jumped out of planes, run off to Nicaragua for a few weeks to do community organizing stuff, even done some motorcycling, if that counts. But every adventure was approached with a “prim and proper”-ness in order to be acceptable to all the other “goody two shoes” in my life, GTS for short. The few times I’ve strayed from the “straight and narrow,” have met with disaster. I’m not brave enough to tell you about my disasters, yet. (By the end of this 30 day challenge, however, I may be spilling my guts all over the floor…and then I’ll have a fine mess to clean up!)
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind being a GTS. In fact, I rather like it. We tend to be an optimistic bunch of folks. For the most part, we really do believe that goodness has its rewards. So what if someone takes advantage of us from time to time, it’s the long haul that counts. When the end comes, I’d rather look back on a life of goodness than to look back on a life of misery that could have been avoided. Life is somewhat predictable for us GTSers. We reap what we sow, so we seek to sow goodness. We are the stable ones in a community. GTSers are not the trouble makers. We are responsible. We are the “rocks” others rely on to get a job done, to bring home the bacon, to show up at our children’s games and plays and such, to take food to our sick neighbor, or visit the elderly in our midst. There are many of us …. Many. It’s high time we stood up and claimed our title, GTS, with pride. We are the ones who tend to lead balanced lives, more so than the “bad boys,” or “girls.” we secretly envy from time to time. (You know we do!) When it comes to writing, though, the GTS style is a bit bland, saccharine…in other words, boring. I wish I had a little more “bad” to spice this stuff up a bit. But I don’t. I am a GTS from the get-go.
On the other hand (sounds like Tevye in “Fiddler on a Roof”), as I think about this, I don’t have to be bad. I just have to experience: see, hear, smell, taste, touch. Then share. The editing happens because the seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching is real and raw; not good or bad. But to get through the filters, to write the real, to convey the raw, is scary. Writing threatens to reveal the not so GTS stuff of life, the grotesque stuff we all have in us to some degree. Such revelations are painful and unruly, experiences and choices we‘d rather forget than share with the world. Having said that, writing the raw can also be liberating, I suppose. We may come to realize that we are not the only ones to experience ugliness, or to have taken a wrong turn. In the sharing, others may learn, others may seek their own healing, we may all grow a bit.
So, here‘s to being gutsy, writing the real, revealing the raw, and celebrating GTSers, because even for us, life is noteworthy.